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Brief break from the journal while I ventFriends: Past, Present & FutureI had two best friends while living in San Antonio during Junior High and High School: Robert and Steve.
Robert was a dedicated friend and a bit of a pessimist. As a result, he didn't have too many other friends. Instead, he read almost all the time, except when we hung out together. I always enjoyed my time with Robert, but his pessimistic nature made it difficult for me to hang around him.
Steve, on the otherhand, was an optimist. He was energetic and had a natural charisma. I loved playing D&D with Steve or just hanging out with him. It was always a blast! But the problem with Steve was he didn't seem to quite enjoy my company... I guess?
You see, of these two people, I'd consider Robert the better friend. I remember calling him up frequently, but many times he was never able. I still wonder whether Steve or his parents were the reason.
It reminds me of another friend I grew up with in Maryland--John. John was also charismatic. He love John. We used to pretend that we were twin brothers, because we looked a lot alike as kids. But I'd knock on his door, and he told me straight out that he didn't want to play. That broke my heart on many occasions growing up.
I mention these two examples because I find myself falling into the same old rut.
I love having close friends, people to confide in, to chat openly with, and spend lots of time with them. But now I'm finding changes that remind me of the past.
All of a sudden, I'm finding myself feeling like Marc of age 6 and 16. That pathetic youth who is calling, calling, calling asking for a friend to come out and play, but no one will. Or they may on a whim, but they're not calling.
I feel like I have to be the one to maintain a friendship. That just pisses me off. I mean, I love calling friends and asking them to hang out, watch a movie, have dinner, whatever! But why should I be the one to make the first move EVERY TIME?
All of a sudden, I find myself questioning my friendships. Do these people really like me for me? Should I even bother trying to call them? Yeah, it may get lonely, but there must be other people out there who give a Damn Enough about a Friendship to WANT to hang out with me, right?
I can think of a couple people right now. But admittedly, there aren't many. Course most of my friends these days are online. But still!
I guess I should rephrase in any case. It's not so much whether they WANT to, it's whether they will exert the "effort" to do it!
I don't know. I'm frustrated and disheartened a wee bit. More and more I'm wanting a pet so I don't have to bother with this thing called "friendship".
I know, it's a bit pessimistic. Guess, I'm just in one of those mildly depressed moods. But it's been a recurring theme since I got back. And I'm tired of it. It seems to me, there comes a point when ye just have to say, "That's enough. If YOU still want to be friends. Then YOU have to make an effort too."
Yeah, I'll change my mind next week and start making phone calls, but boy am I tired of it!
Posted by Marc Gunn on Wednesday, January 08, 2003 |
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Irish Drinking Songs for Cat Lovers
