Marc Gunn's Journal Articles: You've Got Mail

I always thought it was kinda silly how more common the You've Got Mail phenomena has really taken the internet by storm with couples finding their "true loves" online! But as I start chatting with more people online, I realize it's not that odd and wonder how many other people are as easy as I am online!?

What do I mean? Well I realize that words turn me on. Chatting with people online can be a very erotic experience. In some ways, it's even easier to get turned on than offline communication! I know it may sound weird, but bare with me.

Online communication tears down barriers. Hell, if I was reading my journal to you face-to-face, I don't know if I'd be quite so open with what I tell in here. But although I know that there are people reading it, it doesn't seem as threatening as if you and I are talking together in person.

Consequently, I find myself free to flirt more. And women are free to respond more. I develop relationships with people I've never met, and hardly even talked to!

Course, I try to be careful with how much flirting I do even online, but those that I do flirt with...DANG! I get really turned on! It's really kinda freaky, even for me.

Because some of these people I develop a strong fondness for. I find myself wanting to jump in a relationship with someone I barely know. I don't know their personality traits or quirks. I don't know their good points or bad points. All I know is the few words we exhange in writing. And half the time, it's just fun flirting, which leads me to just wanting to bang sha-bang. But I think the worst part of it is that I sometimes still have trouble communicating in person.

By nature, I don't like to hurt people. I do all I can to avoid hurting someone. And sometimes that involves not telling the whole story. Or leaving out details...which ultimately may hurt someone in the end.

I think that was one of my biggest problems in my last relationship. I didn't communicate all my worries and fears. But I'm finding there are ways around that. And it involves constant prodding to get all the answers out of me and a well-established, "I'm open relationship."

One of my friends has done an exceptional job at saying, "No matter what you say, it won't hurt me." Sure it may, but she's done a good job at the very least of fooling me into believing it. So now, I feel like I can talk about ANYTHING with her.

Will it last? If she stopped saying those same words, probably not. Eventually emotions get in the way. But she continues to repeat the phrase, and so I find myself free to talk about Anything. I'm almost as free as I am with the poem I wrote below...talking about bladder problems...

But I love having that freedom. And I think it's one of the biggest ways for me to freely communicate my hopes and fears. And all it is, is knowing that I can be me...without putting on a show. Because while I'd like to be me, some times I find myself courting someone and all of a sudden I find that it's not the "true" me, because after all, I want them to like me.

One of the reasons people would've thought that my past relationship would've lasted forever was because we used to throw around compliments easily. Whereas Andrew has mastered impromptu jokes, I've mastered sweet impromptu compliments with someone I love.

And while my compliments are all sincere, I think they create a sorta mystical force around the relationship... like it's the perfect relationship. Because she feels good and has her self-esteem stroked, and I feel good complimenting her. All of a sudden, some of the other issues in life are forgotten. But some of those issues are essential to the survival of your relationship.

It's a tough balance. But that's why it becomes ever more important to create a "yes, you can tell me Anything" feeling. Then there's no more games, which really annoy me after a while. It's just the most open kind of honesty. Where she realizes,"If it hurts me, that is my choice to be hurt. But it won't hurt me unless you don't tell me. So please tell me Everything."

I think my biggest worry is when I'm dating other women. I don't feel right talking about other women to other women, but ye know, sometimes that's all I have to talk about. I'm really not the most talkative person in the world. I've spent so much time focusing on music and music promotion these past few years that there's not much else. My latest hobby has been dating women as I'm able. So it's always nice to be able to speak freely about other women I'm seeing, but again, I hate building the feeling of jealousy.

True it's the woman's choice to be jealous or not, but I still feel the reprecussions. So I don't like even offering a woman that possibility.

So in the meantime, let's get on to my curse, written while driving back from my Thanksgiving holiday and trying to stave off having to go to the restroom.