Words by Marc Gunn and Lorella Loftus. This fake advertisement was created for the Renaissance Festival Podcast.

NARRATOR: Do you suffer from lumps in your groin? Are your armpits swelling up? You may be have the bubonic plague?

MAN: Betty, I got something under my arm?

WOMAN: Away and boil your hed!

MAN: Boil! Aye it's a boil. It's HUGE!

WOMAN: Don't be stupid.

MAN: I' is. It's got hairs on it and it's all purple.

WOMAN: Ahhhh… Oh Jimmy. I think it's the plague.

NAR: That's right. Jimmy is suffering from the bubonic plague. Luckily, there's a new ointment to soothe away Jimmy's pestilence-PlagueAway Potion is just what Jimmy needs. Made from the finest and freshest organic material, like ground boar snout [pig squeals], saliva of Werewolf, giant's toenail, and revolutionary flakes of leper skin. Now available at your local apothecary.

APOTHECARY: Good morrow, mistress. How may I help you?

WOMAN: Good morrow [whispering] My husband's got… he's got…

APOTHECARY: Ahhh. No need to say anymore. [lowers voice] We just got a new order of PlagueAway. It's a miracle cure.

WOMAN: Oh! Thank you, thank you!

NAR: Betty went home and applied PlagueAway to Jimmy's boils. In just three days, Jimmy felt relief.

JIMMY: O Betty. Come to bed. And bring the PlagueAway.

WOMAN: Aye Jimmy.

NAR: Jimmy lived to the ripe old age of 32. And you can too with PlagueAway, the pestilence potion.